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Heat. Heat.

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[Music]

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[Applause]

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[Music]

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[Applause]

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Fo,

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[Applause]

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hello Boston niece and nephew. How are

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we doing?

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Nice. Nice. So many people. Look at

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this. Ha. Co over now. Take off your

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face mask. Take off your face mask.

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Don't be [ __ ] Just get coa.

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It just cough. It just cough. Correct. I

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want you to cough on your neighbor right

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now.

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[Laughter]

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Remember, you can't get co if you don't

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test.

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[Applause]

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See, Uncle Roger smart. Look at this

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orange polo. Look at this. Stand up.

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Stand up. Stand up. We MSG. My little

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figurine. Oh my god. Look at this.

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Camera see them. Yeah. Good. Good. You

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bring MSG. You bring my figurine. Okay.

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We got two virgin in the front row.

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Nice. Nice.

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[Applause]

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You both got girlfriend. You both got

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girlfriend.

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I I do.

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You do? Oh [ __ ]

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Where your girlfriend? Where your

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girlfriend?

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Uh when I bought this ticket, I didn't

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You bought this ticket, but you didn't

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buy for her.

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Ha.

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But you buy ticket for him.

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Who is that guy? Who is he?

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Francis high school. Your girlfriend

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know you guys hanging hanging up.

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Hanging up.

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Dress the same. You watch my video

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together.

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Little nephew. Just come out the closet.

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Come out the closet, please.

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in 2022. We accept you. We accept you.

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What your name? Nephew? What your name?

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Gary.

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Gary. Nephew Gary. You good? You're

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doing good with your friend?

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Even better after seeing me. Fu. Nice.

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Nice. What you do, nephew Gary? You

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student, you studying, you working. What

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you do?

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Study in in here. I

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study here.

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You went to B. You went to BEu. Hi.

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Don't you study in Boston? Have to go

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Harvard. Hi.

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If you go to PEU, you [ __ ] up. Hi.

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[Applause]

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Where are you from? Are you from Boston?

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Uh, originally from Guangjo.

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Guangjo, China.

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China. Okay. China. Nice. Nice.

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China. Good country. Good country. Good

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country. Good country.

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Woo.

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We have to say that now. Correct.

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Oh, their phone listening. Oh, their

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phone listening.

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This nephew got Huawei phone. They all

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listening.

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[Applause]

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You use ExpressVPN.

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[Applause]

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Nice.

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[Applause]

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Don't let your government hear that,

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please.

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Or our phone tap into it. Long live

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presidency. Long live presidency.

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Uncle Roger. Social credit score going

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up.

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Nice.

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From China. Okay. Anyone? Anyone? Any

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niece and nephew from Taiwan?

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[Applause]

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Not a real country. Not a real

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Not a real country.

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I hope one day you rejoin the

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motherland. One China.

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No, no, don't clap too hard. This not

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political show. No, don't clap.

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Uncle Roger going to get cancelled after

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tonight.

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Nice. Right. Good report for Uncle

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Roger. Okay. Dear CCP, Uncle Roger, good

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comrade. Good comrade.

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Don't make him disappear, please.

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and your parent both in China also.

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Okay. You know when you study in Boston

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and you go to Harvard, you go to MIT,

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your parent back in Asia will say to

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their relative and their friend, oh my

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son, my son go to MIT, my son go to

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Harvard. But if you study here and you

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go to BEu,

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your parent back home, my son, my son,

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he my son, he studied in America. In

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America,

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I forget where now. I forget where.

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What you studying at BU?

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Uh I used to study hospitality.

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Used to study hospitality.

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Okay. And what you change your major to

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now?

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Finance.

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Finance. Okay.

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Hospitality to finance. Good. Good.

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Somebody start to like money already.

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Good.

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Anyone actually go to Harvard? Anyone

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Harvard?

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Harvard. MIT.

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See that what success look like. See,

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Uncle Roger, recently I meet Gordon

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Ramsay.

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Our special guest on his TV show Hell's

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Kitchen.

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Yeah. And other special guest on the

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episode is Tony Hawk.

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And Uncle Roger go Gordon. Why you ask

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Tony?

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He's skateboarder. He don't know [ __ ]

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about food.

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Might as well ask Jamie Oliver. Hi.

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That guy so terrible. Correct.

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Any Jamie Olive oil fan here?

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What?

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Camera catch her.

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Camera look at her face. We all going to

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punch. Oh, camera. Camera there. Good.

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Good. Remember, not her. Not her.

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Don't punch innocent people. H. Yeah,

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that one. Correct. You're going to get

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punched at this show.

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Why? You like Jamie Olive O. Why?

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I like his accent.

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You like his accent?

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Okay, good. At least you don't like his

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food. Good, good, good, good.

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[Laughter]

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Uncle Roger, recently I reviewed Jamie

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Oliver Thai green curry video. And then

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few month ago Jamie changed title of

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that we joke from Thai green curry he

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changed to Jamie green curry

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and Uncle Roger go Jamie the name not

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the problem

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[Applause]

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change name all you want we still know

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it's [ __ ]

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and also Jamie back in March Jamie on

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Twitter he say oh due to ongoing crisis

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in Russia and Ukraine I going to close

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all my restaurant in Russia and Uncle

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Roger replied Jamie if you want to hurt

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Russia

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Keep them open. Keep them open.

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In fact, open more restaurant. Open

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more. We get Putin to go eat there. He

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going to kill himself. Open more.

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We poison him with chili jam.

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That why Uncle Roger and Gothan we best

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friend now? Because we both hate Jamie

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olive oil.

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Found lamb sauce.

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What

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did you find his lamb sauce?

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Did I find his lamb sauce? No. No. Don't

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bring up Goth and catchphrase. A

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different show. Hia.

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But thank you. Thank you for your

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contribution, little nephew. Remember

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there no extra credit for this show.

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Don't try so hard.

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Try so hard for what? Still stuck at Beu

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High.

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[Applause]

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You're definitely going to be in the

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special. You're definitely going to be

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in there.

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Goten so nice to Uncle Roger. When we

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meet Gautton so nice, he gave Uncle

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Roger four walk four. Yeah. And in any

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other circumstance that would look

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little bit racist.

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That's Gordon giving Chinese uncle four

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walk here. Here here you go. take back

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to your people. Take back to your

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people.

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And then God say, "Oh, don't worry,

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Uncle Roger. I'm going to ask my

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assistant to mail the walk back to you

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in London." And Uncle Roger go, "No

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[ __ ]

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I'm not going to bring four walk with

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me. Walk through airport."

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People see that they're going to say,

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"Hia, we know you Asian. We know.

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Don't try so hard. Walk [ __ ] boy." Hia.

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How long you guys dating now?

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Seven years.

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Seven year. Full year.

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Married two months.

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Married two months. Oh, congratulation.

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Nice.

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So new. Good. How you guys met?

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Marching band.

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Marching band.

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Is that the lamest way to meet someone?

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Hi. Yeah. Marching band. People still do

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that [ __ ]

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What year is this? What instrument you

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play in the marching band?

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Snare drum.

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Snare drum.

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So niece Crystal, you date the snare

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drum player in marching band. Nobody

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else want to date that?

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Okay. And you in marching band also? N

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Crystal.

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Which one? What instrument you play?

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I was in the color guard.

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You were in the color guard?

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Yeah.

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What that mean? What that mean? The very

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American thing. What is color cut? You

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cut the color.

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You spin the flag.

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You spin the flag.

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I uh

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Uncle Roger didn't know there was

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something more useless than snare drum

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in maring.

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I spin the flag.

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Are there any vegetarian niece and

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nephew vegetarian?

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Yeah, you Oh, no. Why?

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You come to wrong show. Hi. It okay. We

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accept people with mental illness at the

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show. It okay.

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[Applause]

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How long you've been vegetarian now? Let

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me rephrase that. When was last time you

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feel joy?

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That why Uncle Roger like America? You

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know in Texas, Uncle Roger go to Texas.

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Texas barbecue. My favorite thing. You

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know why vegetarian go in there, nothing

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they can order.

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They try their best. They get colored

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green, but then they go, "We put bacon

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bits in there." [ __ ] you wagon. [ __ ] you

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vegetarian.

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But you have a lot of Asian food, Asian

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restaurant all over Boston. But sometime

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it too trendy. Now Uncle Roger go to

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this one Thai restaurant. I order my

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food and then waitress asked me if I got

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any food allergy.

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What the hell is that?

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Uncle Roger from Malaysia. We don't care

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about that.

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You come to my street food store, you

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eat peanut and thigh.

281
00:12:33,279 --> 00:12:38,120
I just pack my [ __ ] up and cycle away.

282
00:12:40,079 --> 00:12:46,959
Just walk over to the guy. Hia. Why so

283
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:48,410
weak? So weak. Little peanut [ __ ] you

284
00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:50,560
up. Hi.

285
00:12:48,410 --> 00:12:54,560
[Applause]

286
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:58,880
Walk it off, [ __ ] Walk it off. Don't

287
00:12:54,560 --> 00:13:00,480
seizure. Just breathe. Just breathe.

288
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:05,040
I don't know why I still talking to him.

289
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:07,440
It did for 7 hour now. Just breathe.

290
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:09,920
You guys allergic to everything. You

291
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:12,639
have this thing gluten allergy. You

292
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:15,279
scare bread.

293
00:13:12,639 --> 00:13:18,920
Can go to skydiving, go to marathon, but

294
00:13:15,279 --> 00:13:18,920
you can't have baguette.

295
00:13:18,959 --> 00:13:22,480
You scare peanut. You scare bread. I

296
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:26,360
walk down street here throw peanut

297
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,360
butter sandwich at people.

298
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:31,079
Just kill half the white people.

299
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:41,580
No more traffic jam for you.

300
00:13:38,390 --> 00:13:41,580
[Applause]

301
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,680
Nephew Nigel, he going to come to stand

302
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:48,800
up later. He he even worse, he got this

303
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:52,639
thing seasonal allergy.

304
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:54,560
Hay fever. Yeah. Pollen. [ __ ] him up.

305
00:13:52,639 --> 00:13:57,680
Young people his age, they go out, they

306
00:13:54,560 --> 00:14:01,639
do cocaine, they do molly. Nephew Nitro

307
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:01,639
go out, he do benadryil.

308
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:07,760
Any other university student? Any other?

309
00:14:04,639 --> 00:14:08,240
Ah, nice. Which uni? Which uni?

310
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:08,800
What?

311
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,399
Britney.

312
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:14,079
Britney.

313
00:14:10,399 --> 00:14:16,079
Is that a university here?

314
00:14:14,079 --> 00:14:18,079
University of Massachusetts law school.

315
00:14:16,079 --> 00:14:22,000
Oh, okay. You thought I asked you what

316
00:14:18,079 --> 00:14:23,920
your name and you say Britney.

317
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:28,240
That how I know she don't go to Harvard.

318
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:31,120
That how I know I uh

319
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:33,360
you don't listen Britney.

320
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,040
This whole gang the same [ __ ] this whole

321
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,760
table.

322
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,320
What?

323
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:41,240
Related.

324
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:41,240
You all related. That explained a lot.

325
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:46,040
What instrument you play in the marching

326
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,040
band?

327
00:14:46,079 --> 00:14:51,120
And I also was in the front ensemble.

328
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:53,839
Your color guard and front ensemble.

329
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:56,480
Okay. What front ensemble do?

330
00:14:53,839 --> 00:14:59,519
Um auxiliary percussion.

331
00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:01,360
Auxiliary percussion.

332
00:14:59,519 --> 00:15:03,279
So you're not even good enough to play

333
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,800
snare drum.

334
00:15:03,279 --> 00:15:07,800
You have to stand next to him. Play

335
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,800
triangle.

336
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:15,440
Anyone here? Little children. Little

337
00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:16,399
children. Where? Where? Don't be shy.

338
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:20,160
Don't be

339
00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:22,000
up here. Anyone I can't see up there.

340
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:25,959
If you too poor, Uncle Roger not talking

341
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,959
to you. H

342
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:37,040
Uncle Roger only talking to expensive

343
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:38,880
seat people. Look at this. Look at this.

344
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,320
Any younger kid with their parent, we

345
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:43,360
always get some young children. Oh,

346
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:46,000
there you are. Hello, little nephew. How

347
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,639
you doing? How old are you?

348
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,920
15.

349
00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:50,079
15.

350
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:53,839
Oh no,

351
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:55,600
you're not supposed to be here.

352
00:15:53,839 --> 00:15:59,680
Is that your mom next to you? Is that

353
00:15:55,600 --> 00:16:03,519
your mom? Terrible parenting. Hi.

354
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:08,240
15year-old at my show. Do you watch my

355
00:16:03,519 --> 00:16:13,160
Wejo together with your mom? You do?

356
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:13,160
Oh, but my Wejo got so much pounding.

357
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:20,800
You know what pounding is little nephew?

358
00:16:18,079 --> 00:16:23,680
You know what?

359
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,519
You know what pounding is? Pounding is

360
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:28,759
this thing sometime your mom do with

361
00:16:25,519 --> 00:16:28,759
your dad

362
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:35,560
and sometime your mom do with neighbor.

363
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:41,120
[Applause]

364
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:43,279
No, no. Pounding is how you make Thai

365
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:46,160
green curry

366
00:16:43,279 --> 00:16:48,160
and children.

367
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,560
Nephew. 14-year-old nephew. What your

368
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,199
name?

369
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,040
Casey.

370
00:16:49,199 --> 00:16:52,560
Nephew Casey. Okay. What you want to be

371
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,279
when you grow up?

372
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:58,079
I don't know.

373
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:58,639
You don't know? Just think of something.

374
00:16:58,079 --> 00:16:59,360
No.

375
00:16:58,639 --> 00:17:01,680
Architect.

376
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:03,519
Architect. Nice. Nice.

377
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:06,880
All right. Good. Good job.

378
00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:09,199
Better than snare drum player.

379
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,799
Yeah, they actually contribute to

380
00:17:09,199 --> 00:17:14,520
society.

381
00:17:10,799 --> 00:17:14,520
They don't just go

382
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:19,480
and then the girlfriend waving the flag

383
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,480
around.

384
00:17:21,589 --> 00:17:25,120
[Music]

385
00:17:23,199 --> 00:17:29,520
Okay. And this girl next to you that

386
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:32,880
your sister? No, just random woman.

387
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:34,880
Okay. Not related. Okay. And uh nephew

388
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,760
Casey. Mom, how how many children you

389
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:40,280
have?

390
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:40,280
Two. Which one? The favorite.

391
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:48,400
Just say Casey. He the only one here.

392
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:50,240
Oh no.

393
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:53,240
Casey, you're definitely not the

394
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,240
favorite.

395
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:58,080
Just lie, mom. Just lie.

396
00:17:56,559 --> 00:18:01,400
Anyone from Malaysia? any niece and

397
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,400
nephew from

398
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:05,160
so exciting.

399
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:15,799
Okay, nobody talk to you all day. Is it

400
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,799
finally some attention?

401
00:18:17,039 --> 00:18:22,039
You look like that balloon guy outside

402
00:18:18,799 --> 00:18:22,039
car dealership.

403
00:18:26,559 --> 00:18:29,280
What your name? Malaysian niece

404
00:18:28,559 --> 00:18:31,360
Yasmin.

405
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:32,320
Nie Yasmin. Okay. From Malaysia. What

406
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,440
part?

407
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,520
Kala Lump.

408
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,840
Koala Lumpur. KL. That where Uncle Roger

409
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,400
from? What neighborhood? What area?

410
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:44,039
Subang.

411
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:44,039
Subang. Ha. [ __ ] [ __ ]

412
00:18:45,919 --> 00:18:53,050
Subang. Like the Torchester of Malaysia.

413
00:18:48,480 --> 00:19:00,880
[ __ ] [ __ ] ho.

414
00:18:53,050 --> 00:19:03,919
[Applause]

415
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,840
What you doing here? Nas mean

416
00:19:03,919 --> 00:19:06,480
my son

417
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,000
over again.

418
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,440
This your son? What?

419
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:12,720
Married to a white guy.

420
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:16,240
You got married to white guy.

421
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:19,280
Why you sound so bitter about it?

422
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:21,360
He right there. He right there.

423
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:24,360
Oh, not him. He just random white guy.

424
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,360
Okay.

425
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:34,000
Different white guy for N Yasmin. Nice.

426
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:36,320
Okay. Nas mean what you do for work?

427
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,799
I'm in the pharmaceutical industry.

428
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:41,440
Pharmaceutical industry. Okay. So, truck

429
00:19:38,799 --> 00:19:45,720
dealer. Truck dealer.

430
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:45,720
What your favorite drug? Which one?

431
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:50,080
People are sick. We are very glad that

432
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,919
there are lot of sick people. You are

433
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:54,960
very

434
00:19:51,919 --> 00:19:57,039
Did you hear what she say? We make drug

435
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:59,760
for people who are sick. So we happy.

436
00:19:57,039 --> 00:20:02,640
There are a lot of sick people.

437
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:04,640
Oh my god.

438
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:08,840
This terrible person. Camera make sure

439
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:08,840
catch her face. Catch her face.

440
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,960
She the face of opioid crisis in

441
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:15,120
America.

442
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,640
Niece Yasmin from Subupang Koala Lumpo,

443
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:20,799
Malaysia.

444
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:22,160
Any chef in the bottom bottom section?

445
00:20:20,799 --> 00:20:22,559
Chef over there.

446
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,200
Me?

447
00:20:22,559 --> 00:20:25,440
Yeah.

448
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:28,440
I used to work at Domino's if you count.

449
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,440
Domino.

450
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:34,240
[Applause]

451
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:36,559
This show is just bunch of failed chef

452
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:40,240
in the audience.

453
00:20:36,559 --> 00:20:44,720
Domino. You call yourself chef.

454
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:46,480
Microwaving is not cooking. Okay.

455
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:48,880
What kind of food you make? Diarrhea.

456
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:49,760
What?

457
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,240
Close enough.

458
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:50,799
What?

459
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,919
Close enough.

460
00:20:50,799 --> 00:20:55,440
Close enough. What you do at Domino? Are

461
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:56,320
you the guy making the pizza?

462
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,919
I did everything.

463
00:20:56,320 --> 00:21:00,000
You did everything. That the problem

464
00:20:57,919 --> 00:21:02,080
with Domino.

465
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:06,679
The same guy making the pizza, taking

466
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:06,679
your phone call, delivering your pizza.

467
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,600
You work with him. Used to work with

468
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:12,159
him.

469
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:14,559
Okay. And so did you. The whole Domino

470
00:21:12,159 --> 00:21:18,000
gang is back.

471
00:21:14,559 --> 00:21:20,720
Who taking order for the pizza now?

472
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:23,520
No, nobody working at Domino now. Is

473
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:24,880
that why you always take so long? In the

474
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:28,000
middle of shift, you just go watch

475
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:29,200
comedy show. I

476
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:32,480
get the good seat.

477
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:35,039
Get the good seat. Oh, that good.

478
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,480
Pay them well.

479
00:21:35,039 --> 00:21:38,720
Uncle Roger love your seafood here.

480
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,960
Sushi is everywhere in Boston also.

481
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:43,760
Correct. You even have this conveyor

482
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:47,760
belt sushi restaurant. You know why you

483
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:49,679
turn our art into package claim? Why?

484
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,600
The only good thing about conveyor belt

485
00:21:49,679 --> 00:21:55,360
sushi is they don't tell you price of

486
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:57,520
sushi. The price is just color of plate.

487
00:21:55,360 --> 00:22:01,080
Uncle Roger like that because [ __ ] the

488
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,080
color blind people.

489
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:04,240
They go in there, they don't know what

490
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:07,840
happening.

491
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:12,760
They go, "Why is gray $8? Gray also $10.

492
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:12,760
Gray also $15. What the hell?

493
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:18,320
But sushi getting too mainstream now.

494
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:22,240
Uncle Roger live in UK. Over in UK, you

495
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:24,799
can get sushi at pharmacy.

496
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:26,960
Yeah. Terrible. Imagine Japanese sushi

497
00:22:24,799 --> 00:22:28,799
chef. They go to UK on holiday. They go

498
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:31,760
walk in there. Oh no. Look at this [ __ ]

499
00:22:28,799 --> 00:22:36,320
Yamakuchi, look at this [ __ ] They got

500
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:41,080
condom loop. Our life work. Hi.

501
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:41,080
First Godzilla, now this. No.

502
00:22:43,190 --> 00:22:58,320
[Applause]

503
00:22:54,799 --> 00:22:59,840
Don't buy sushi from pharmacy. Okay. I

504
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,320
think the people who buy sushi from

505
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:05,600
pharmacy are same people who will buy

506
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:07,600
dildo from Dollar General.

507
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,919
I know inconvenient but treat yourself

508
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:12,000
better.

509
00:23:09,919 --> 00:23:14,480
Nephew Casey, you know what DTO is? You

510
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:18,960
know what DTO is?

511
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:23,039
14y old nephew. You know how you know?

512
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:25,360
You found your mom stash. Is it?

513
00:23:23,039 --> 00:23:27,520
Just go into your mom drawer. Mom, what

514
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:30,000
is this? What is this? Mom, what is

515
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:33,520
this?

516
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:38,360
Why it's so big? Mom, why?

517
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:38,360
And why is it black? Mom, why it black?

518
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:49,529
Sorry children.

519
00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:49,529
[Applause]

520
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:54,720
Ha. Okay. Okay. Nephew Casey. Uncle

521
00:23:52,559 --> 00:23:57,919
Roger, feel bad making fun of you. I got

522
00:23:54,720 --> 00:24:00,500
special present for you.

523
00:23:57,919 --> 00:24:04,049
Back of MSG. MSG.

524
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:04,049
[Applause]

525
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:10,840
Get ready to catch.

526
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,840
Yes.

527
00:24:14,250 --> 00:24:18,009
[Music]

528
00:24:19,919 --> 00:24:23,760
Food is very important to us, right?

529
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,880
It's an important part of Asian culture,

530
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,640
right?

531
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:29,600
You even have a whole TV show about

532
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:33,559
Asians bringing food to other places.

533
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,559
It's called Border Security.

534
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:38,320
If you don't know that show, they check

535
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:41,279
people's luggage and the rest of the

536
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:45,960
world smuggles cocaine.

537
00:24:41,279 --> 00:24:45,960
We smuggle crispy pork.

538
00:24:48,799 --> 00:24:51,840
That's a substance we can't live

539
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:54,159
without.

540
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:56,320
I love my crispy pork, man. That's my

541
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:57,919
favorite thing. And you know, I have

542
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:01,120
vegan friends who tell me, "Uh, do you

543
00:24:57,919 --> 00:25:03,120
know pigs are really smart animals?"

544
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:07,159
And I'm like, uh, do you know smart

545
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:07,159
animals can still be tasty?

546
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:13,760
There is no correlation

547
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:15,840
between IQ and flavor.

548
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:20,120
If you can only eat dumb things, should

549
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:20,120
we start eating people by now?

550
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,279
Right? You walk into a McDonald's and

551
00:25:21,919 --> 00:25:25,760
you ask, "Uh, what's on the menu?"

552
00:25:23,279 --> 00:25:30,200
[ __ ] you.

553
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:30,200
We'll put you on the menu, Mac, idiot.

554
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:37,919
I live in the UK now, man. And the food

555
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:41,240
there is, oh boy.

556
00:25:37,919 --> 00:25:41,240
So [ __ ]

557
00:25:41,279 --> 00:25:47,440
British people, they colonized the whole

558
00:25:42,799 --> 00:25:51,360
world at one point for spices

559
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:53,279
and they just forgot about them.

560
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:55,440
Go to the UK now, you'll think you just

561
00:25:53,279 --> 00:25:58,760
got COVID because you can't smell or

562
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,760
taste anything.

563
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:08,200
and then realize, oh, it's just fish and

564
00:26:04,159 --> 00:26:08,200
chips. Just fish and chips.

565
00:26:08,559 --> 00:26:11,360
People are lazy when it comes to food

566
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,360
here, though,

567
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:15,760
right? Yeah. Especially in the Western

568
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:17,200
world, like anywhere you go, I know

569
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,960
you're lazy because you can go to any

570
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:21,600
grocery store here, you'll realize you

571
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:24,760
took food from every culture and made

572
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:24,760
them microwavable.

573
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:29,360
It's kind of impressive.

574
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:33,200
You invented a whole new cooking

575
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:35,120
technique called poke holes in film.

576
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:39,000
You know the technique we use for boba

577
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:39,000
use for all the foods.

578
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:46,400
Everybody has a microwave, right? That

579
00:26:43,679 --> 00:26:48,880
you mount above the stove that comes

580
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:51,840
with too many [ __ ] buttons.

581
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:53,990
We only need one button on a microwave.

582
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:58,109
Plus 30 seconds.

583
00:26:53,990 --> 00:26:58,109
[Applause]

584
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:08,440
Who the hell is using the keypad?

585
00:27:03,679 --> 00:27:08,440
We see 5 minutes 30 seconds. Okayep.

586
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:19,120
I had a friend I saw a friend use Alexa

587
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:22,080
with his microwave.

588
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:23,600
How much lazier can you be?

589
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,039
You take the microwave food out the

590
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,799
fridge. Put it in the microwave. Close

591
00:27:25,039 --> 00:27:29,760
it.

592
00:27:26,799 --> 00:27:31,520
I can't go on much longer. This

593
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:34,520
Alexa, cook this [ __ ] for me, Alexa,

594
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,520
please.

595
00:27:36,159 --> 00:27:39,840
Yeah. I used to live in America, right?

596
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,360
And now I live in the UK. And I don't

597
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:43,120
know. I prefer how straightforward you

598
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,240
guys are. In the UK, people don't really

599
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,760
tell you what you're thinking. They're a

600
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,840
bit passive aggressive about things, you

601
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:50,240
know? Like I before I did stand up

602
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:54,480
full-time, I had a day job. And one day

603
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:58,480
I microwaved fish in the office.

604
00:27:54,480 --> 00:28:00,159
Yeah, I know now not to do it.

605
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:02,799
You don't tell foreign people that

606
00:28:00,159 --> 00:28:04,640
either. Okay. It wasn't part of my visa

607
00:28:02,799 --> 00:28:06,080
application.

608
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:09,200
Are you part of a terrorist group? Do

609
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:13,360
you microwave salmon? Checkbox.

610
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:15,279
It's the same checkbox, by the way.

611
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,880
So, I microwaved salmon in in the office

612
00:28:15,279 --> 00:28:18,480
and this lady came up to me and she was

613
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:21,200
like, "Uh, did you did you microwave

614
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:24,240
fish in here?" And I went, "Yeah, sorry.

615
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:26,240
It's my salmon." And then she said,

616
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:30,120
"Huh,

617
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:30,120
interesting choice."

618
00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:36,720
And now I know she just called me a dick

619
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,840
in her head.

620
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:41,120
That's what they're actually thinking.

621
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:43,200
And I travel a lot for this tour. This

622
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:45,679
is a great my first tour world tour

623
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:49,799
which is crazy. Uh I'm glad CO is, you

624
00:28:45,679 --> 00:28:49,799
know, letting up now. Thank you.

625
00:28:53,200 --> 00:29:00,799
I went full-time standup September 2019,

626
00:28:58,159 --> 00:29:03,600
6 months before the pandemic. Right when

627
00:29:00,799 --> 00:29:05,760
that guy ate that first bat,

628
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:07,039
that's when I went full-time. He's like

629
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:11,000
he was looking at my career. Oh,

630
00:29:07,039 --> 00:29:11,000
changing careers. Are you?

631
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:17,279
And COVID was rough, man. There was a

632
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:19,279
lot of Asians getting assaulted, right?

633
00:29:17,279 --> 00:29:20,880
Did that happen here in Boston?

634
00:29:19,279 --> 00:29:23,039
Yeah, a little bit. I got punched in

635
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:24,480
London, which is crazy. I don't know. I

636
00:29:23,039 --> 00:29:26,000
was I was just walking on my street. I

637
00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:28,080
was a few doors down from my apartment,

638
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:30,480
right? This guy was on a bicycle. He saw

639
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:33,279
me. He jumped off his bike and then

640
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:35,840
walked towards me really aggressively.

641
00:29:33,279 --> 00:29:38,840
And at first I thought he wanted a

642
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:38,840
photo.

643
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:43,960
I was like, "Oh, this guy's a nephew."

644
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,919
And the worst thing about getting

645
00:29:47,279 --> 00:29:52,240
punched is when the police show up at

646
00:29:49,919 --> 00:29:55,799
your house, they don't take their

647
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,799
[ __ ] shoes off.

648
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:03,760
I know. I forgot my pain for a second.

649
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:06,799
And I was like, "What the hell, man?

650
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:10,080
It's an Asian house. Look at my bare

651
00:30:06,799 --> 00:30:15,159
socks." Officer, take the hint. I just

652
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:15,159
got punched. But this is a hate crime.

653
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,679
Got to take your shoes off. You go visit

654
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:26,880
your Asian friends place. All right.

655
00:30:25,679 --> 00:30:28,880
Wasn't there a Wall Street Journal

656
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:31,440
article that went viral this year? And

657
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:33,760
the title was, "Here is why I'll never

658
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:36,080
take my shoes off in your shoeless

659
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:39,679
home." Yeah. And the author's main

660
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:44,440
reasoning, "Why do you assume my shoes

661
00:30:39,679 --> 00:30:44,440
are dirtier than your floors?"

662
00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:49,120
What?

663
00:30:46,559 --> 00:30:52,720
Of course they're dirtier.

664
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:55,919
Have you seen outside?

665
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:57,440
That's where the [ __ ] tends to be.

666
00:30:55,919 --> 00:30:59,440
And we step in [ __ ] What do we do? We

667
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,039
don't wash our shoes. We just find a

668
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:03,440
patch of grass and go, "Yeah, this will

669
00:31:01,039 --> 00:31:04,799
fix it.

670
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,720
This will disinfect my shoes

671
00:31:04,799 --> 00:31:10,000
adequately."

672
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:14,200
Grass has antibacterial properties.

673
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:14,200
Let's go into Nigel's house now.

674
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:18,960
So, police came to my place, right, to

675
00:31:16,799 --> 00:31:20,640
take a report and also to take a DNA

676
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:22,399
sample off my face to try to catch the

677
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,159
guy. And they took a sample. They

678
00:31:22,399 --> 00:31:26,880
analyzed it. And of course, they

679
00:31:24,159 --> 00:31:33,240
couldn't find anything because the guy

680
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:33,240
punched me. He didn't come on my face.

681
00:31:34,799 --> 00:31:39,519
What evidence you going to find?

682
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:43,679
And honestly, I would have let him do

683
00:31:39,519 --> 00:31:45,360
that if that me could catch him, right?

684
00:31:43,679 --> 00:31:47,679
Save an old Asian lady from getting

685
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:49,440
punched, right? Get a bukakei. Save a

686
00:31:47,679 --> 00:31:52,320
grandma, please.

687
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:54,320
[Applause]

688
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,919
I wish in that moment I went I know you

689
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:59,480
just punched me sir but if you could do

690
00:31:55,919 --> 00:31:59,480
one more thing

691
00:32:01,490 --> 00:32:05,180
[Applause]

692
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:20,440
I'm not gay but I love justice.

693
00:32:20,500 --> 00:32:23,670
[Applause]

694
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:31,600
You know, something I envy Americans

695
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:33,519
for, something I envy you guys for is uh

696
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:36,320
if you're born in the US, right, you can

697
00:32:33,519 --> 00:32:38,880
completely [ __ ] up your lives here, be a

698
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:40,240
total loser here.

699
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:43,240
You can still go to Asia and teach

700
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,240
English.

701
00:32:44,420 --> 00:32:48,399
[Applause]

702
00:32:45,679 --> 00:32:50,880
What a great backup plan, right? You

703
00:32:48,399 --> 00:32:52,320
don't even need to learn new [ __ ] Just

704
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,840
go.

705
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,360
There's some probably some poor kid in

706
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:57,360
Cambodia going, "Have you always wanted

707
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:59,440
to be an English teacher, sir?" Nah,

708
00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:02,760
just this hospitality at BEu, so that's

709
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,760
why I'm here.

710
00:33:10,799 --> 00:33:16,279
Tried to switch to finance, but still

711
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:16,279
couldn't get a job. So,

712
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:23,120
Yeah, English is your main language. One

713
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:25,600
main language. I like that. Right. In

714
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:27,919
Malaysia, we speak like three languages.

715
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:29,440
That's that's too many. Okay. You go to

716
00:33:27,919 --> 00:33:32,080
watch any movie in any theater there,

717
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:34,799
there's three lines of subtitles,

718
00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:37,360
one for each language, takes up half the

719
00:33:34,799 --> 00:33:41,880
screen. As a kid, I went to watch

720
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:41,880
Titanic. Couldn't even see her tits.

721
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:46,480
The text was just blocking it. I'm like,

722
00:33:44,399 --> 00:33:49,480
Jack, can you draw her in silence,

723
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:49,480
please?

724
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:57,840
Every time you talk, her tits disappear.

725
00:33:55,760 --> 00:34:01,360
Jack,

726
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:03,120
shut the [ __ ] up. Shut the [ __ ] up.

727
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:05,840
This was the '9s. The only time I got to

728
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:08,840
see tits in a movie theater next to my

729
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,840
dad.

730
00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:17,200
But things are different here. Move move

731
00:34:15,359 --> 00:34:20,159
to the western world and nobody beats

732
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:21,760
their kids.

733
00:34:20,159 --> 00:34:22,560
Do you do that here in Boston?

734
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:25,679
Yeah.

735
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:27,440
[ __ ] hell. That guy that guy loves

736
00:34:25,679 --> 00:34:28,560
it.

737
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:28,960
You got kids?

738
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,599
No.

739
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:32,599
No. But you were beat.

740
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:36,480
And I succeeded. So

741
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:38,079
And you succeeded. Well, we'll be the

742
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:39,599
judge of that. What do you do?

743
00:34:38,079 --> 00:34:41,520
I'm a robotic technical service

744
00:34:39,599 --> 00:34:44,639
engineer. Robotic technical service

745
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:47,119
engineer. Okay, it sounds impressive.

746
00:34:44,639 --> 00:34:47,440
What do you do dayto-day? You fix [ __ ]

747
00:34:47,119 --> 00:34:50,879
Hey,

748
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,599
you work on robots uh for a large online

749
00:34:50,879 --> 00:34:54,960
retailer.

750
00:34:51,599 --> 00:34:56,560
Robots for a large online retailer.

751
00:34:54,960 --> 00:35:00,440
So, you mean you do like the selfch

752
00:34:56,560 --> 00:35:00,440
checkckout machine at Walmart?

753
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:06,240
That sounds about right. Stop fancying

754
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,920
up your title.

755
00:35:06,240 --> 00:35:09,760
A little bit

756
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:11,040
what little bit more complicated. A

757
00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:12,800
little bit more complicated than that.

758
00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:17,240
Okay. Okay. Good. See, see what beating

759
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:17,240
your kids helps helps you achieve.

760
00:35:17,839 --> 00:35:20,960
Every study that the people do here, oh,

761
00:35:19,599 --> 00:35:22,480
psychologically it's not good to hit

762
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:23,520
your kids. I think you should ask like,

763
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,119
you know, they ask them, "Oh, were you

764
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:27,040
hit as a kid?" I think you should ask at

765
00:35:25,119 --> 00:35:29,680
least two questions, you know? One, were

766
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:32,079
you hit as a kid? Two, did you know you

767
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:34,560
had it coming?

768
00:35:32,079 --> 00:35:36,880
Right? We always [ __ ] knew, right? It

769
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:38,320
was never a surprise beating. Just

770
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:41,760
sitting there doing our homework

771
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:43,520
suddenly. Wait, what?

772
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:46,240
Every time I got beat, I know I [ __ ]

773
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:47,599
up. A few hours later, I was always

774
00:35:46,240 --> 00:35:49,839
sobbing in the corner just, "Yeah, I

775
00:35:47,599 --> 00:35:53,280
kind of deserve that. Should I have told

776
00:35:49,839 --> 00:35:55,440
my dad to [ __ ] off?"

777
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:58,960
I was glad I was hit as a kid. It's the

778
00:35:55,440 --> 00:36:01,920
only exercise my parents got,

779
00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:04,160
just chasing me around the neighborhood.

780
00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:05,839
I think parkour is invented by an Asian

781
00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:08,960
parent.

782
00:36:05,839 --> 00:36:10,960
whose kid trying to escape.

783
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:13,440
My dad even let me take Taekwondo

784
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:15,839
lessons as a kid. That's how confident

785
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:18,480
he was.

786
00:36:15,839 --> 00:36:19,920
In his child's banking skills.

787
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:23,800
Yeah. Go learn self-defense. There's

788
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,800
still no match for my slipper.

789
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:30,880
I took Taekwond do. And guess what? I

790
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:34,280
just gave him another belt for him to

791
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:34,280
hit me with.

792
00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:39,359
Yeah, it's a trap, people. He's got

793
00:36:37,119 --> 00:36:40,720
enough belts. He hit me with a

794
00:36:39,359 --> 00:36:42,320
reversible belt one time. He was like,

795
00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:44,050
"Choose what color you want to be hit

796
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:47,179
with today."

797
00:36:44,050 --> 00:36:47,179
[Applause]

798
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,960
Did you get hit with all sorts of stuff?

799
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,359
Everything.

800
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,160
Yeah.

801
00:36:51,359 --> 00:36:52,720
Wooden spoon.

802
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:55,520
I know too.

803
00:36:52,720 --> 00:36:59,800
You did taekwond do too.

804
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:59,800
You still lost your dad, right?

805
00:36:59,839 --> 00:37:01,920
What?

806
00:37:00,240 --> 00:37:04,560
I said, "Yeah, I whooped my ass." will

807
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:07,359
whoop my ass. We got hit all sorts of

808
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:11,119
stuff in the house, man. Feather duster,

809
00:37:07,359 --> 00:37:12,720
right? Rice cooker paddle,

810
00:37:11,119 --> 00:37:13,200
a ruler.

811
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:14,320
Yeah.

812
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,160
Yeah. What do you call the flip-flops?

813
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:18,400
The chunkletas.

814
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:19,680
That's what I learned. Yeah. I watched

815
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:21,440
the film Fifty Shades of Gray. I was

816
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:25,119
like, "My mom hit me with that. She hit

817
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:28,000
me with that. She hit me with that."

818
00:37:25,119 --> 00:37:31,720
It's not a sexy film at all. It's not

819
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:31,720
like 50 Shades of Discipline.

820
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:39,839
I moved house last year. I still live in

821
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,760
London, but I moved to a different

822
00:37:39,839 --> 00:37:44,160
place. I moved to uh to this street that

823
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:47,280
has a lot of old people because that

824
00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:48,720
street has a street group chat.

825
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:51,440
And that's an old people thing to do.

826
00:37:48,720 --> 00:37:54,480
They have time to just talk every day

827
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:55,839
about trees and birds and stuff. And I

828
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:57,200
know my street is full of old people

829
00:37:55,839 --> 00:37:58,240
because one day there was a vintage

830
00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:00,640
plane that flew across the neighborhood.

831
00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:02,640
an old plane, super loud. Everybody

832
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:05,920
heard it. And then that group chat

833
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:08,560
[ __ ] came alive.

834
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:10,720
Old guys love their planes, man. They

835
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:12,400
knew how fast it was going, where it's

836
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:14,480
going to, where it's coming from, the

837
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:16,720
model, every single detail. And I was

838
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:20,480
like, where were you guys a few years

839
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:22,400
ago when we kind of needed your help to

840
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:24,960
locate

841
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:28,920
a missing

842
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:28,920
Malaysian plane?

843
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:35,680
We didn't need a black box. We needed a

844
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:38,720
white grandpa. That's what we needed.

845
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:40,400
Would have saved us so much trouble.

846
00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:42,640
And one thing I like to get for my new

847
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:44,160
place, right? I like to get a bedet.

848
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:46,960
Yes.

849
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:48,720
Yeah. If you don't know what it is, it's

850
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:51,520
a hose you use to wash yourself after

851
00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:52,320
you take a [ __ ]

852
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:53,920
Right.

853
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:56,560
In Asia, very common in Asia. You know

854
00:38:53,920 --> 00:39:00,160
why we use a bedet in Asia? Because food

855
00:38:56,560 --> 00:39:01,440
in Asia is [ __ ] spicy.

856
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:03,440
You have to hose yourself down

857
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:05,359
afterwards.

858
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:08,560
You ever try to use dry toilet paper on

859
00:39:05,359 --> 00:39:11,760
a burning butthole? It hurts.

860
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:16,079
It stings, right? When a house is on

861
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:17,599
fire, you don't throw Kleenex on it.

862
00:39:16,079 --> 00:39:20,240
You host down with water. Same

863
00:39:17,599 --> 00:39:22,720
principle.

864
00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:25,620
Because spice is the only flavor you can

865
00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:29,400
taste twice.

866
00:39:25,620 --> 00:39:29,400
[Applause]

867
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:39,920
special flavor. No other flavors like

868
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:41,440
that, right? What? Sweet. You eat ice

869
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:45,560
cream the next day on the toilet. Ooh,

870
00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:45,560
salted caramel. Okay.

871
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:55,240
You know what they call a bedet in the

872
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:55,240
UK? A bum gun.

873
00:39:55,280 --> 00:40:00,240
What kind of quaint British [ __ ] is

874
00:39:56,880 --> 00:40:02,240
this? A bum gun.

875
00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:04,960
I like that term, you know. Let's call

876
00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:06,240
it a bum gun. Has the word gun in it.

877
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,960
You'll love that [ __ ] Everybody will

878
00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:10,960
get one over here, right? Y'all can

879
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:13,960
prime a bum gun from a cold dead

880
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:13,960
butthole.

881
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:22,880
Who here's uh who here's been to Asia?

882
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:25,760
Give me a cheer. Nice

883
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:27,280
robotic child beater guy. Okay.

884
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:27,839
Where'd you go, man? Where'd you go?

885
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:30,320
Japan.

886
00:40:27,839 --> 00:40:32,320
Japan. Nice. Nice. The beds over there

887
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:33,200
are amazing. Right.

888
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:33,599
Shinjuku.

889
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:34,079
What?

890
00:40:33,599 --> 00:40:37,280
I stayed.

891
00:40:34,079 --> 00:40:38,960
You stayed in Shinjuku. Okay. Nice. Just

892
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:42,119
thanks for all the information I didn't

893
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:42,119
ask for.

894
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:45,200
Anyone else been to Southeast Asia?

895
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:47,520
Anyone?

896
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:49,680
Nice. Of course you're Indonesian. Of

897
00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:51,280
course you've been. Right. Where did you

898
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:53,119
go?

899
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:55,359
Vietnam. Did you get food poisoning

900
00:40:53,119 --> 00:40:58,560
there?

901
00:40:55,359 --> 00:41:01,200
No, you did. [ __ ] yeah. That's That's

902
00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:03,599
the right way to do Asia, right? That's

903
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:07,359
always part of the itinerary, right? Day

904
00:41:03,599 --> 00:41:08,960
one temples, day two [ __ ] yourself.

905
00:41:07,359 --> 00:41:10,400
Asia is the only place where the more

906
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:13,400
food you eat there, the more weight you

907
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:13,400
lose.

908
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:19,839
You go there, you got to use the bedet,

909
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:21,280
okay? Go to Japan has great bets.

910
00:41:19,839 --> 00:41:23,440
Everywhere in Asia, man, going to use a

911
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:24,880
bet because it's it's good. Try it.

912
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,160
It'll change your life.

913
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:29,200
You don't know how hard the water

914
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:32,160
pressure is, right? So, sometimes it's a

915
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:36,760
gentle cleanse.

916
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:36,760
Sometimes it's a [ __ ] jet stream just

917
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:42,570
sitting on the toilet.

918
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:44,960
Huh.

919
00:41:42,570 --> 00:41:47,359
[Applause]

920
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:49,800
I guess sexuality is a spectrum after

921
00:41:47,359 --> 00:41:54,800
all.

922
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:56,720
[Applause]

923
00:41:54,800 --> 00:42:00,599
[Music]

924
00:41:56,720 --> 00:42:00,599
Gender is fluid

925
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:05,880
and the fluid is water shooting up my

926
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:05,880
butt.

927
00:42:06,079 --> 00:42:10,599
I'm not completely straight. I'm algae

928
00:42:07,599 --> 00:42:10,599
bet.

929
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:22,720
But it's hard to get a bedet installed

930
00:42:20,319 --> 00:42:24,240
in the UK. Nobody has it. But people

931
00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:26,720
have this thing. I don't know what you

932
00:42:24,240 --> 00:42:29,200
call it. I call it a European bedet, but

933
00:42:26,720 --> 00:42:31,599
it's not a hose, right? It's a smaller

934
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:33,839
toilet bowl next to the main toilet

935
00:42:31,599 --> 00:42:36,319
bowl. Have you seen this?

936
00:42:33,839 --> 00:42:41,319
How do you use that?

937
00:42:36,319 --> 00:42:41,319
So, you have to [ __ ] and relocate. What?

938
00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:49,800
It's so far apart. Do I have to use ways

939
00:42:46,319 --> 00:42:49,800
to find it?

940
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:54,800
I guess you just take a [ __ ] here and

941
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:57,280
then you have to crap walk over

942
00:42:54,800 --> 00:43:01,560
to the second location.

943
00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:01,560
[ __ ] dripping on your bathroom tiles.

944
00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:07,240
You think you're taking a [ __ ] now you

945
00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:07,240
have to mop the floor

946
00:43:07,839 --> 00:43:11,839
or you get drunk and you [ __ ] in the

947
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:13,119
wrong one

948
00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:15,839
and you're just standing there. What

949
00:43:13,119 --> 00:43:19,400
have I done? No. Let me stomp on it. Let

950
00:43:15,839 --> 00:43:19,400
me stamp it down.

951
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,920
And then you come to my house and you're

952
00:43:21,839 --> 00:43:26,590
like, why do you assume my shoes are

953
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:36,640
dirtier than your floors?

954
00:43:26,590 --> 00:43:40,599
[Applause]

955
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:40,599
So, get a day, guys.

956
00:43:41,119 --> 00:43:44,079
You know, another reason I'm glad the

957
00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:45,520
videos blew up, right, is because I was

958
00:43:44,079 --> 00:43:47,839
working really hard on the comedy stuff

959
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:50,480
and the videos and everything. Uh, I

960
00:43:47,839 --> 00:43:53,280
kind of gave up a whole marriage for it,

961
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:55,040
you know? So, lost the wife, gained a

962
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:59,599
blue tick.

963
00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:59,599
You know, it's a good trade-off, right?

964
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:07,200
And uh when but we separated in well

965
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,560
when you want to get a divorce get it

966
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:11,359
out the way when you're young you know

967
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:13,920
when you have nothing. So you she takes

968
00:44:11,359 --> 00:44:17,960
half my [ __ ] Okay take five of the

969
00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:17,960
orange polos I guess.

970
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:22,960
We separated in 2019 and when she left I

971
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:26,400
knew she left for good because she even

972
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:26,960
took the la cruette.

973
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:28,319
Oh,

974
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:32,079
you know what that is? That beautiful

975
00:44:28,319 --> 00:44:33,760
cast iron French casserole pot.

976
00:44:32,079 --> 00:44:35,520
And that is commitment to leaving

977
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:37,920
someone because it's the heaviest thing

978
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:40,840
in the kitchen.

979
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:43,280
So, she's going, "Fuck you.

980
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:45,680
[Applause]

981
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:47,200
Don't touch me.

982
00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:50,599
I'll come back for the duvet covers

983
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:50,599
later, you prick."

984
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:57,599
And to be fair, you should choose a

985
00:44:54,960 --> 00:45:00,319
Lusette over your partner, okay? Because

986
00:44:57,599 --> 00:45:03,440
it will outlast them.

987
00:45:00,319 --> 00:45:05,839
That should be Luset's marketing slogan.

988
00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:08,839
Husbands are temporary. This crockpot

989
00:45:05,839 --> 00:45:08,839
forever.

990
00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:14,400
Those things are indestructible, right?

991
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:17,599
You ever drop a Lacruusette on the

992
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:20,880
floor? The floor breaks.

993
00:45:17,599 --> 00:45:22,880
You have to move house now.

994
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:26,880
The worst thing she did was she even

995
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:30,800
changed the Netflix password.

996
00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:33,200
I know that is cold as [ __ ] right?

997
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:36,000
Take away my cookware and RuPaul's Drag

998
00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:37,440
Race.

999
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:39,119
And here's how I told my mom, you know.

1000
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,720
Here's how I told my mom because my mom

1001
00:45:39,119 --> 00:45:42,560
is one of those moms. She really wants

1002
00:45:40,720 --> 00:45:45,040
grandchildren. So every time we

1003
00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:47,200
FaceTime, she would drop subtle hints.

1004
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:49,760
She would go, "Next time we come back to

1005
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:52,760
Malaysia, it's going to be three plane

1006
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:52,760
tickets.

1007
00:45:54,079 --> 00:46:00,800
Uh, [ __ ] one." So,

1008
00:45:58,240 --> 00:46:04,920
sorry, Mom. Unless I gain a lot of

1009
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:04,920
weight, then two, maybe.

1010
00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:07,760
I want to do it back to her because my

1011
00:46:06,319 --> 00:46:09,760
mom and my dad, they're getting older

1012
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:10,720
now, you know. So next time they come,

1013
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:12,319
I'm going to tell them. Next time we

1014
00:46:10,720 --> 00:46:13,920
FaceTime, I'm going to tell them, next

1015
00:46:12,319 --> 00:46:18,680
time you come visit me in London, it's

1016
00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:18,680
going to be one plane ticket.

1017
00:46:22,720 --> 00:46:27,480
I can fly you business if it's one.

1018
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:32,760
So much extra leg room for dad's ear.

1019
00:46:35,359 --> 00:46:40,720
These are jokes, guys. Relax.

1020
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:42,079
Okay.

1021
00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:43,680
And when I was going through this whole

1022
00:46:42,079 --> 00:46:45,599
uh separation thing, right, my friend

1023
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:47,760
told me to get therapy and she gave me

1024
00:46:45,599 --> 00:46:51,200
this therapist website. I went on this

1025
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:54,079
website and there were typos on it. And

1026
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:55,920
of all the words, she spelled depression

1027
00:46:54,079 --> 00:46:58,480
wrong.

1028
00:46:55,920 --> 00:47:01,359
That's kind of a key word, isn't it? She

1029
00:46:58,480 --> 00:47:04,359
spelled it D E P R like Johnny

1030
00:47:01,359 --> 00:47:04,359
Deppression.

1031
00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:08,960
Yeah. I took one session, right? It was

1032
00:47:06,800 --> 00:47:10,480
over Zoom and we talk we talked about

1033
00:47:08,960 --> 00:47:12,400
like overworking. I was like, "Social

1034
00:47:10,480 --> 00:47:13,760
media moves really fast. I worry if I

1035
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:16,079
don't make videos, people will forget

1036
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:18,560
who I am." And verbatim, this was the

1037
00:47:16,079 --> 00:47:21,680
therapist's response. She was like, "Do

1038
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:25,440
you think people forget who you are? If

1039
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:27,760
you forget who you are."

1040
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:30,640
Oh,

1041
00:47:27,760 --> 00:47:33,200
cringe. What is this live, love, love

1042
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:36,160
[ __ ]

1043
00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:38,960
It's a fridge magnet. what you're saying

1044
00:47:36,160 --> 00:47:40,400
and $150. That's what she's charging.

1045
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:43,200
I'd rather get a massage with that

1046
00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:47,280
money, right? That's better for my

1047
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:48,400
mental health. Love a good time massage.

1048
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:51,800
All right. Don't [ __ ] laugh. I know

1049
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,800
what you're thinking.

1050
00:47:52,480 --> 00:47:56,160
Think about the happy ending thing. I

1051
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:58,079
know.

1052
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:59,520
Hey, listen. Of course there will be

1053
00:47:58,079 --> 00:48:01,119
massage places that'll give you a happy

1054
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:03,359
ending, right? The CD time massage

1055
00:48:01,119 --> 00:48:05,599
places, of course. But I like a good

1056
00:48:03,359 --> 00:48:07,520
legit time massage. Okay? And you know

1057
00:48:05,599 --> 00:48:10,319
if it's a good time massage, you're not

1058
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:12,079
going to want a hand job afterwards.

1059
00:48:10,319 --> 00:48:15,520
If you had a good time massage before,

1060
00:48:12,079 --> 00:48:17,680
you know it's [ __ ] agony,

1061
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:20,160
right? She's walking on your back. She's

1062
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:23,920
cracking your spine. You're in such

1063
00:48:20,160 --> 00:48:26,079
pain. I've never gone, I'll give you $30

1064
00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:29,119
more.

1065
00:48:26,079 --> 00:48:32,680
Do what you just did.

1066
00:48:29,119 --> 00:48:32,680
Put on my dick.

1067
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:38,760
Destroy it, please.

1068
00:49:07,119 --> 00:49:11,720
So, sir, just relax.

1069
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:35,830
[Music]

1070
00:49:44,079 --> 00:49:47,680
Yeah, I don't want children anyway.

1071
00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:54,650
[Applause]

1072
00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:05,000
Thank you for the scary ending.

1073
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:11,440
Well, $30 for no kids, you kind of end

1074
00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:13,920
up saving money in the long run, right?

1075
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:17,800
So

1076
00:50:13,920 --> 00:50:17,800
maybe it's a good thing.

1077
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:23,680
So So I have to start dating people

1078
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:27,839
again. And it's weird. I'm I'm 31 this

1079
00:50:23,680 --> 00:50:29,920
year. Oh, thanks. Okay. I'm 31 this

1080
00:50:27,839 --> 00:50:34,240
year. And recently I went out with

1081
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:37,520
someone who was born in the year 2002.

1082
00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:39,359
Yeah. 20. I know. Legal but creepy. I

1083
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:42,240
know.

1084
00:50:39,359 --> 00:50:45,760
I'm not a pedophile. Okay, there are no

1085
00:50:42,240 --> 00:50:49,680
Asian pedophiles. You know why? Our

1086
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:52,640
women look 12 their whole lives.

1087
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:55,200
We don't need to touch an illegal one.

1088
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:57,359
Can easily have 12 year old looking 35

1089
00:50:55,200 --> 00:51:00,160
year olds.

1090
00:50:57,359 --> 00:51:03,720
That's why pedophilia is stereotypically

1091
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:03,720
a white thing

1092
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:14,960
because you guys age horribly.

1093
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:16,720
[Applause]

1094
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:18,720
I can kind of see where the pedophiles

1095
00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:20,400
are coming from.

1096
00:51:18,720 --> 00:51:24,319
You must without wrinkles. What are your

1097
00:51:20,400 --> 00:51:27,559
options? Asian women or white child?

1098
00:51:24,319 --> 00:51:27,559
That's it.

1099
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:34,079
So, I'm single again. That's all I'm

1100
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:36,480
saying.

1101
00:51:34,079 --> 00:51:38,720
Like that kind of jokes.

1102
00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:42,160
Any pedophiles in

1103
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:45,200
Okay, that's a trap. That's a trap.

1104
00:51:42,160 --> 00:51:49,240
We'll catch them one day like that. One

1105
00:51:45,200 --> 00:51:49,240
day you'll hear someone go, "Yeah,

1106
00:51:49,359 --> 00:51:54,319
I love me some kids. Yeah,

1107
00:51:52,559 --> 00:51:58,119
I like my women like I like my books."

1108
00:51:54,319 --> 00:51:58,119
Young adult. Yeah.

1109
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:04,480
That's my next video. Uncle Roger

1110
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:08,240
Reviews pedophiles.

1111
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:11,200
Cuz ha, why you touch kid? Touch grown

1112
00:52:08,240 --> 00:52:13,280
adult. Don't touch kid. Touching kid

1113
00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:14,800
like eating mango that not ripe yet.

1114
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:16,800
Hia.

1115
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:21,319
[Applause]

1116
00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:21,319
Put in plastic bag and wait.

1117
00:52:28,720 --> 00:52:33,440
All right. Listen. The only good thing

1118
00:52:31,119 --> 00:52:35,520
about going out with a 20-year-old is

1119
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:37,359
when they talk, you don't really have to

1120
00:52:35,520 --> 00:52:38,720
listen.

1121
00:52:37,359 --> 00:52:41,760
Because you know you're not missing

1122
00:52:38,720 --> 00:52:44,480
anything important,

1123
00:52:41,760 --> 00:52:46,079
right? Men or women, right? Think back

1124
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:49,200
when you were 20. Have any important

1125
00:52:46,079 --> 00:52:51,040
thoughts? [ __ ] no.

1126
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:52,800
What can she possibly say that made me

1127
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:55,599
go, "Oh, never thought about it like

1128
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:58,880
that before." That's a very nuanced take

1129
00:52:55,599 --> 00:53:01,200
on the energy crisis.

1130
00:52:58,880 --> 00:53:04,640
All the 20-year-olds getting salty now.

1131
00:53:01,200 --> 00:53:06,720
The crown. I'm different.

1132
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:09,880
I like Billy Eyish. I'm different.

1133
00:53:06,720 --> 00:53:09,880
That's okay.

1134
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:16,800
Okay, I know 20 is too young, right? I

1135
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:18,480
know because we went to a bar. Craig

1136
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:20,960
David came on. You know the singer Craig

1137
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:23,119
David? I I said to her, "Oh [ __ ] I like

1138
00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:26,760
Craig David." And she went, "My mom

1139
00:53:23,119 --> 00:53:26,760
loves Craig David."

1140
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:33,280
Well, give me your mom's number then.

1141
00:53:29,599 --> 00:53:35,040
Okay. I'll get along better with her.

1142
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:38,640
Take her out for a drink on Wednesday.

1143
00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:40,240
be your stepdad by Thursday, Friday.

1144
00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:42,720
Yeah, I'm glad you guys got it because

1145
00:53:40,240 --> 00:53:43,920
she didn't.

1146
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:46,400
She was looking at me like, "Why are you

1147
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:47,920
naming days all of a sudden? You're

1148
00:53:46,400 --> 00:53:50,160
being very specific in your plans to

1149
00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:51,680
[ __ ] my mom.

1150
00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:54,079
Why chill on Sunday? What are you,

1151
00:53:51,680 --> 00:53:55,359
Christian?"

1152
00:53:54,079 --> 00:53:56,559
She tried to make things better by

1153
00:53:55,359 --> 00:53:57,920
going, "Oh, you know, don't worry. I

1154
00:53:56,559 --> 00:53:59,520
know I'm young, but do you know age of

1155
00:53:57,920 --> 00:54:03,319
consent here is 16?" I'm like, "Can you

1156
00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:03,319
keep your voice down, please?

1157
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:09,440
kind of want to have a career here.

1158
00:54:05,839 --> 00:54:11,440
Okay. Is it 16? I don't [ __ ] know.

1159
00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:14,160
I'm not creepy enough to Google age of

1160
00:54:11,440 --> 00:54:17,839
consent UK.

1161
00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:18,880
I'm feeling lucky. Click.

1162
00:54:17,839 --> 00:54:22,319
It's 14.

1163
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:25,839
It's for Wow. Fort. Wow.

1164
00:54:22,319 --> 00:54:29,480
He just yelled out, "It's 14."

1165
00:54:25,839 --> 00:54:29,480
How do you know that?

1166
00:54:29,920 --> 00:54:33,520
I was in the UK for five years.

1167
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:37,690
You're in the UK for five years. And

1168
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:41,320
you're wrong. It is 16. So,

1169
00:54:37,690 --> 00:54:41,320
[Applause]

1170
00:54:41,520 --> 00:54:46,760
is the camera still on? Catch his face.

1171
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:46,760
Catch his face.

1172
00:54:47,119 --> 00:54:51,760
We found a pedophile.

1173
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:55,559
After a year of query, we got one,

1174
00:54:51,760 --> 00:54:55,559
people. We got one.

1175
00:54:58,240 --> 00:55:03,359
Why are you clapping? There children

1176
00:54:59,920 --> 00:55:06,559
here, you know.

1177
00:55:03,359 --> 00:55:09,559
Oh god. Oh, security is coming. Oh. Oh

1178
00:55:06,559 --> 00:55:09,559
[ __ ]

1179
00:55:11,599 --> 00:55:15,760
What'd you do to the 14year-old? Tell

1180
00:55:13,359 --> 00:55:18,960
us.

1181
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:21,440
Parent consent 14 and selfconent 16.

1182
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:23,040
Stop talking. Please stop talking.

1183
00:55:21,440 --> 00:55:25,680
Jesus.

1184
00:55:23,040 --> 00:55:28,400
He said parent consent 14, self-consent

1185
00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:30,240
16. It's like

1186
00:55:28,400 --> 00:55:33,119
Yeah, you got to stop. The more you

1187
00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:35,670
talk, the the deeper the pedophile hole

1188
00:55:33,119 --> 00:55:38,840
you're digging for yourself.

1189
00:55:35,670 --> 00:55:38,840
[Laughter]

1190
00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:46,880
Okay. How old are you?

1191
00:55:45,760 --> 00:55:49,880
I'll have a guess.

1192
00:55:46,880 --> 00:55:49,880
Uh

1193
00:55:50,319 --> 00:55:54,520
I'll let you incriminate yourself.

1194
00:55:55,359 --> 00:55:59,280
Well, I I buy child tickets in the UK.

1195
00:55:57,520 --> 00:56:00,559
You buy child tickets in the UK?

1196
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:01,760
Bye-bye.

1197
00:56:00,559 --> 00:56:04,760
Why? Because you want to be close to

1198
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:04,760
them.

1199
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:13,920
This guy's making it into the special

1200
00:56:11,680 --> 00:56:15,520
for sure.

1201
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:19,599
We'll pixelate your face a bit like

1202
00:56:15,520 --> 00:56:20,079
Japanese porn. We'll do that.

1203
00:56:19,599 --> 00:56:20,720
What?

1204
00:56:20,079 --> 00:56:23,720
Yeah.

1205
00:56:20,720 --> 00:56:23,720
Yeah.

1206
00:56:24,640 --> 00:56:31,960
Oh god. I've never seen someone so happy

1207
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:31,960
to be labeled the pedophile.

1208
00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:38,520
Oh god.

1209
00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:38,520
Okay,

1210
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:43,119
here's my rule now when it comes to

1211
00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:46,559
dating. Okay, I can't go out with

1212
00:56:43,119 --> 00:56:49,119
someone if they don't know what dialup

1213
00:56:46,559 --> 00:56:53,079
is.

1214
00:56:49,119 --> 00:56:53,079
It's a good rule, right?

1215
00:56:53,680 --> 00:56:59,680
You got to know what Dialup is. You got

1216
00:56:56,319 --> 00:57:01,040
to know who Jes is.

1217
00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:02,880
You need to have asked him questions

1218
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:04,880
before.

1219
00:57:02,880 --> 00:57:07,520
Yeah. Anyone here born 2000 or later?

1220
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:08,640
Give me a chair.

1221
00:57:07,520 --> 00:57:09,520
What year? What year?

1222
00:57:08,640 --> 00:57:12,079
2004.

1223
00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:12,960
2004. Jesus. You

1224
00:57:12,079 --> 00:57:17,720
2002.

1225
00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:17,720
2002. It's good to see you again.

1226
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:22,960
Do you know what to dial up is? 2004,

1227
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:26,160
2002.

1228
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:28,240
No. [ __ ] You feel old now? Do you feel

1229
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:30,079
old? [ __ ]

1230
00:57:28,240 --> 00:57:33,200
All right, let me explain. Dial up,

1231
00:57:30,079 --> 00:57:35,760
right? In the old days, you wanted to

1232
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:37,359
watch porn.

1233
00:57:35,760 --> 00:57:39,359
The whole family had to get off the

1234
00:57:37,359 --> 00:57:42,359
phone,

1235
00:57:39,359 --> 00:57:42,359
right?

1236
00:57:43,599 --> 00:57:47,440
Stop chatting, Mom. Turn the jerk off

1237
00:57:45,359 --> 00:57:49,280
here.

1238
00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:52,559
The internet was so slow it took two

1239
00:57:49,280 --> 00:57:54,799
days to load one tit. Remember that? An

1240
00:57:52,559 --> 00:57:56,319
image of porn. Not even video. Porn was

1241
00:57:54,799 --> 00:57:58,720
just images. It came down line by line

1242
00:57:56,319 --> 00:58:00,240
like a printer. I said to wait.

1243
00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:04,720
Sometimes you got too excited. You came

1244
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:07,920
at the collar bone. [ __ ]

1245
00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:09,599
Control out delete. Control out delete.

1246
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:13,880
Why do they put control out and delete

1247
00:58:09,599 --> 00:58:13,880
so [ __ ] far apart?

1248
00:58:14,620 --> 00:58:18,079
[Music]

1249
00:58:15,839 --> 00:58:20,480
We didn't have Spotify. We had to

1250
00:58:18,079 --> 00:58:25,000
download songs individually with this

1251
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:25,000
[ __ ] called Lime Wire.

1252
00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:30,880
See how hard the old people are

1253
00:58:28,480 --> 00:58:33,680
cheering.

1254
00:58:30,880 --> 00:58:35,520
They're bonding through the pain.

1255
00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:39,280
To open the app, the first thing you do,

1256
00:58:35,520 --> 00:58:40,960
evade all the viruses.

1257
00:58:39,280 --> 00:58:44,200
Yeah. In the old days, computers could

1258
00:58:40,960 --> 00:58:44,200
get CO.

1259
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:50,079
You had to search the song name and type

1260
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:52,960
in Lincoln Park.mpp3.

1261
00:58:50,079 --> 00:58:55,280
You hit download and you just had to

1262
00:58:52,960 --> 00:58:57,680
pray to God it was an actual Lincoln

1263
00:58:55,280 --> 00:59:00,400
Park song.

1264
00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:05,080
You had no clue. You finish downloading.

1265
00:59:00,400 --> 00:59:09,680
You open it up. Two girls, one cup.

1266
00:59:05,080 --> 00:59:12,240
[Applause]

1267
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:13,920
Aren't you glad there wasn't 4K HD back

1268
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:16,640
then?

1269
00:59:13,920 --> 00:59:18,240
Let's keep that [ __ ] blurry. Okay, there

1270
00:59:16,640 --> 00:59:20,960
are two types of people in this world.

1271
00:59:18,240 --> 00:59:24,230
People who don't know two girls one cup

1272
00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:25,760
and people who need therapy.

1273
00:59:24,230 --> 00:59:27,440
[Applause]

1274
00:59:25,760 --> 00:59:31,440
You guys should Google two girls one

1275
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:34,079
cup. Maybe. Yeah.

1276
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:37,680
Search it on the drive home, you know,

1277
00:59:34,079 --> 00:59:40,720
load it up in the big Tesla screen.

1278
00:59:37,680 --> 00:59:42,240
Never get a speeding ticket ever again.

1279
00:59:40,720 --> 00:59:46,640
You get stopped by the police officer.

1280
00:59:42,240 --> 00:59:50,839
He takes one look. Just go. Just go.

1281
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:50,839
You need Jesus. Just go.

1282
00:59:52,559 --> 00:59:56,640
We didn't have Netflix either. Like you

1283
00:59:55,359 --> 00:59:58,880
guys over here, you guys have

1284
00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:59,760
Blockbuster where you could rent DVDs,

1285
00:59:58,880 --> 01:00:01,520
right?

1286
00:59:59,760 --> 01:00:02,880
Yeah. That is a that's a good thing,

1287
01:00:01,520 --> 01:00:06,079
man. In Malaysia, we didn't have that.

1288
01:00:02,880 --> 01:00:08,079
We had to resort to pirated DVDs.

1289
01:00:06,079 --> 01:00:10,799
I'm sure some of you know that, too. a

1290
01:00:08,079 --> 01:00:12,960
pirate DV. There's no quality control.

1291
01:00:10,799 --> 01:00:14,480
All right. Sometimes it's decent.

1292
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:17,440
Sometimes Sometimes it's literally some

1293
01:00:14,480 --> 01:00:19,680
guy filming in a movie theater just

1294
01:00:17,440 --> 01:00:22,559
filming the screen, camcorder, handheld,

1295
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:24,559
no tripod, shaky as [ __ ]

1296
01:00:22,559 --> 01:00:26,319
You just see shadowy figures walking in

1297
01:00:24,559 --> 01:00:28,240
the front.

1298
01:00:26,319 --> 01:00:31,799
Just hear couples arguing. Shut the [ __ ]

1299
01:00:28,240 --> 01:00:31,799
up. Eat your popcorn.

1300
01:00:34,640 --> 01:00:42,000
Yeah. 200 2002 2004. Why are you here?

1301
01:00:39,440 --> 01:00:44,480
You should be on at home on Tik Tok and

1302
01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:46,319
Fortnite.

1303
01:00:44,480 --> 01:00:48,240
You should be buying LED strips for your

1304
01:00:46,319 --> 01:00:50,000
room,

1305
01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:52,480
right? That's a new Gen Z thing now,

1306
01:00:50,000 --> 01:00:54,559
right? LED strips in the room. The whole

1307
01:00:52,480 --> 01:00:59,720
room is red.

1308
01:00:54,559 --> 01:00:59,720
Amsterdam brothel red. That's my vibe.

1309
01:00:59,839 --> 01:01:02,559
You bring this Gen Z person to

1310
01:01:01,440 --> 01:01:04,240
Amsterdam. Look at the red light

1311
01:01:02,559 --> 01:01:08,599
windows. He's going, "Oh, these people

1312
01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:08,599
all Twitch streamers." What?

1313
01:01:09,839 --> 01:01:15,440
Do you have the LED strips in your You

1314
01:01:12,319 --> 01:01:18,079
were in your room. You have it.

1315
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:20,559
I knew it.

1316
01:01:18,079 --> 01:01:21,839
The interior design choices of a tweeny

1317
01:01:20,559 --> 01:01:22,960
old.

1318
01:01:21,839 --> 01:01:23,680
What's your name, man?

1319
01:01:22,960 --> 01:01:24,079
Dashi.

1320
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:25,440
What?

1321
01:01:24,079 --> 01:01:27,760
Dashi. D O S Hi.

1322
01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:28,880
Do Hi. Dashi. Okay. You have the LED

1323
01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:30,240
strips, Dashi.

1324
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:33,280
Even he has it in the bathroom.

1325
01:01:30,240 --> 01:01:34,559
You even have it in the bathroom.

1326
01:01:33,280 --> 01:01:37,520
What are you trying to light up in

1327
01:01:34,559 --> 01:01:39,920
there?

1328
01:01:37,520 --> 01:01:40,880
Nice. Do you also have the keyboard that

1329
01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:41,359
lights up?

1330
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:44,319
No.

1331
01:01:41,359 --> 01:01:46,240
No. Okay, that's good. Anyone have that?

1332
01:01:44,319 --> 01:01:47,760
You have You have both the LED strips

1333
01:01:46,240 --> 01:01:49,280
and the keyboard?

1334
01:01:47,760 --> 01:01:50,559
Do I have the LED strips? Anyone have

1335
01:01:49,280 --> 01:01:52,880
both?

1336
01:01:50,559 --> 01:01:55,119
Yeah. Over there. Oh, no. The Domino's

1337
01:01:52,880 --> 01:01:58,680
guy. Of course.

1338
01:01:55,119 --> 01:01:58,680
Oh, no.

1339
01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:04,319
How much weed do you smoke a day?

1340
01:02:03,359 --> 01:02:05,200
What?

1341
01:02:04,319 --> 01:02:05,760
Zero

1342
01:02:05,200 --> 01:02:06,319
videos.

1343
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:06,720
What?

1344
01:02:06,319 --> 01:02:09,520
Uncle Roger.

1345
01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:12,559
Yes. Uncle Roger videos. Nice.

1346
01:02:09,520 --> 01:02:14,559
Smooth. Smooth. I like it. You got the

1347
01:02:12,559 --> 01:02:15,760
LED strips and the keyboard that lights

1348
01:02:14,559 --> 01:02:17,520
up.

1349
01:02:15,760 --> 01:02:18,799
All right. Here's Let me help you out.

1350
01:02:17,520 --> 01:02:20,559
Here's a word of advice, man. If you

1351
01:02:18,799 --> 01:02:22,960
have those things, just know that when

1352
01:02:20,559 --> 01:02:25,680
you bring a girl back to your place,

1353
01:02:22,960 --> 01:02:28,480
they see that just [ __ ] dry up down

1354
01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:29,920
there,

1355
01:02:28,480 --> 01:02:32,799
right? The moment the keyboard lights

1356
01:02:29,920 --> 01:02:32,799
up, bing.

1357
01:02:33,359 --> 01:02:38,839
And over here you can see my Dragon Ball

1358
01:02:35,040 --> 01:02:38,839
Z figurine collection.

1359
01:02:40,240 --> 01:02:44,160
I built my own desktop CPU is

1360
01:02:42,559 --> 01:02:46,079
transparent. You can see the fan

1361
01:02:44,160 --> 01:02:49,720
spinning inside. Just come back. Come

1362
01:02:46,079 --> 01:02:49,720
back. Where you going?

1363
01:02:51,839 --> 01:02:56,400
That is not stuff you want them to see

1364
01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:59,760
on the first date. Okay. You hide that

1365
01:02:56,400 --> 01:03:02,079
[ __ ] and you reveal it on the fifth

1366
01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:04,000
year.

1367
01:03:02,079 --> 01:03:05,760
By then it's too late. You got a house.

1368
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:08,960
You got a family. And you go, "Haha,

1369
01:03:05,760 --> 01:03:11,830
trapped you. I still play Pokémon Go,

1370
01:03:08,960 --> 01:03:17,380
bitch." Haha.

1371
01:03:11,830 --> 01:03:17,380
[Applause]

1372
01:03:17,520 --> 01:03:22,480
Yeah,

1373
01:03:19,200 --> 01:03:23,839
man. 18. [ __ ] probably sitting there

1374
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:26,640
all nervous because you haven't checked

1375
01:03:23,839 --> 01:03:28,079
your phone in the last hour,

1376
01:03:26,640 --> 01:03:28,799
right, Dashy?

1377
01:03:28,079 --> 01:03:31,440
More.

1378
01:03:28,799 --> 01:03:33,440
More or less. You're almost there, guy.

1379
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:34,880
Almost there.

1380
01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:36,799
I remember the time before the cell

1381
01:03:34,880 --> 01:03:37,839
phone, man. Remember the time before?

1382
01:03:36,799 --> 01:03:38,960
Remember the times before the cell

1383
01:03:37,839 --> 01:03:41,280
phone?

1384
01:03:38,960 --> 01:03:44,559
Yeah.

1385
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:49,000
Remember staring out the window?

1386
01:03:44,559 --> 01:03:49,000
That was our only entertainment. Dashi,

1387
01:03:50,799 --> 01:03:56,880
same [ __ ] Same [ __ ] Okay, the tree

1388
01:03:53,520 --> 01:03:58,720
hasn't grown much from yesterday.

1389
01:03:56,880 --> 01:04:01,359
Take your phone everywhere now, right?

1390
01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:02,880
Even taking a [ __ ] you have your phone.

1391
01:04:01,359 --> 01:04:04,720
You ever forget your phone and then go

1392
01:04:02,880 --> 01:04:08,960
take a [ __ ]

1393
01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:10,480
and realize how quickly you're done?

1394
01:04:08,960 --> 01:04:15,559
It's just, holy [ __ ] I'm done already.

1395
01:04:10,480 --> 01:04:15,559
Wow, half an hour saved every day.

1396
01:04:16,559 --> 01:04:19,520
Yeah, I'm surprised you guys are here

1397
01:04:17,920 --> 01:04:22,559
because stand up live entertainment is

1398
01:04:19,520 --> 01:04:24,079
like old people [ __ ] you know. Yeah,

1399
01:04:22,559 --> 01:04:25,920
this is like old people. I see some of

1400
01:04:24,079 --> 01:04:28,000
you older people out there. You I know

1401
01:04:25,920 --> 01:04:28,960
you guys probably think you bought the

1402
01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:33,839
tickets. You're like, "Oh, it's going to

1403
01:04:28,960 --> 01:04:35,920
be a late show. Let's take a nap first,

1404
01:04:33,839 --> 01:04:38,079
right? Who did that? Who did that

1405
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:39,599
today?" See,

1406
01:04:38,079 --> 01:04:41,119
the old people who are shaking their

1407
01:04:39,599 --> 01:04:42,540
heads at two girls, one cup. Yeah, they

1408
01:04:41,119 --> 01:04:45,440
took a nap.

1409
01:04:42,540 --> 01:04:46,880
[Laughter]

1410
01:04:45,440 --> 01:04:49,680
Yeah, but you start drinking espresso

1411
01:04:46,880 --> 01:04:51,599
martinis now, right? Oh, we think we are

1412
01:04:49,680 --> 01:04:53,680
classy when we do that. [ __ ] no. We need

1413
01:04:51,599 --> 01:04:57,559
it to survive

1414
01:04:53,680 --> 01:04:57,559
till 9:15.

1415
01:04:58,720 --> 01:05:03,359
Yeah, the old days. Dial up. Yes, we're

1416
01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:05,119
talking about dialup. You're born to

1417
01:05:03,359 --> 01:05:05,520
Wi-Fi. It's amazing, isn't it?

1418
01:05:05,119 --> 01:05:06,960
It is.

1419
01:05:05,520 --> 01:05:09,760
Right. Probably came out the womb asking

1420
01:05:06,960 --> 01:05:12,000
for the password,

1421
01:05:09,760 --> 01:05:14,000
huh? Only two bars of Wi-Fi. [ __ ] this

1422
01:05:12,000 --> 01:05:15,599
hospital.

1423
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:18,760
What is this umbilical cord? I want to

1424
01:05:15,599 --> 01:05:18,760
be wireless

1425
01:05:21,440 --> 01:05:26,480
slay.

1426
01:05:24,160 --> 01:05:29,280
Why? Where the [ __ ] you guys say? No

1427
01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:31,280
cap. No cap. No cap. No cap. No cap. No

1428
01:05:29,280 --> 01:05:34,240
cap.

1429
01:05:31,280 --> 01:05:36,160
What is no cap? I don't even know.

1430
01:05:34,240 --> 01:05:38,000
Oh, another thing about dialup doshi.

1431
01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:38,400
You know how when you connect to Wi-Fi?

1432
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:41,720
Yeah.

1433
01:05:38,400 --> 01:05:41,720
It's silent.

1434
01:05:42,559 --> 01:05:48,000
When you connect to dialup, it makes the

1435
01:05:45,119 --> 01:05:51,799
most beautiful

1436
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:51,799
melodious sound.

1437
01:05:52,350 --> 01:05:55,840
[Applause]

1438
01:05:58,250 --> 01:06:05,920
[Music]

1439
01:06:00,350 --> 01:06:05,920
[Applause]

1440
01:06:10,240 --> 01:06:14,200
You've got mail.

1441
01:06:15,359 --> 01:06:18,880
We're sitting there in front of a family

1442
01:06:16,720 --> 01:06:21,760
computer waiting for it to connect with

1443
01:06:18,880 --> 01:06:23,599
that big ass CPU on the ground with that

1444
01:06:21,760 --> 01:06:27,280
big power button on it that we only turn

1445
01:06:23,599 --> 01:06:29,359
on with our big toe. Remember that?

1446
01:06:27,280 --> 01:06:32,640
that CPU power buttons never seen a

1447
01:06:29,359 --> 01:06:34,640
finger on it. Okay, it's always just the

1448
01:06:32,640 --> 01:06:36,160
big toe.

1449
01:06:34,640 --> 01:06:38,319
And now there's a whole generation of

1450
01:06:36,160 --> 01:06:41,160
men who can't find the G-spot because

1451
01:06:38,319 --> 01:06:49,119
you never did this motion.

1452
01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:50,960
[Applause]

1453
01:06:49,119 --> 01:06:54,480
But ladies, if you let us use our big

1454
01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:57,119
toes, we will find it.

1455
01:06:54,480 --> 01:06:58,799
We've been training for years. You got

1456
01:06:57,119 --> 01:07:00,400
the muscle memory down. Up, up, down,

1457
01:06:58,799 --> 01:07:01,400
down, left, right, ba, start. There it

1458
01:07:00,400 --> 01:07:08,240
is.

1459
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:11,680
[Applause]

1460
01:07:08,240 --> 01:07:16,039
And that is what dialup is, though she

1461
01:07:11,680 --> 01:07:16,039
pretty good explanation, huh?

1462
01:07:20,319 --> 01:07:23,119
If you like my stuff, I also have a I

1463
01:07:21,839 --> 01:07:24,559
have the Uncle Roger stuff, right? But I

1464
01:07:23,119 --> 01:07:26,400
also have a podcast. You guys know that.

1465
01:07:24,559 --> 01:07:30,240
Ha podcast.

1466
01:07:26,400 --> 01:07:31,440
listen to it. Thank you. But uh I talk

1467
01:07:30,240 --> 01:07:32,480
about my life, right, and behind the

1468
01:07:31,440 --> 01:07:33,520
scenes of this tour. And this is

1469
01:07:32,480 --> 01:07:36,720
something I covered recently on the

1470
01:07:33,520 --> 01:07:40,319
podcast, and it's a real thing. Pornhub

1471
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:42,720
started following me on Instagram.

1472
01:07:40,319 --> 01:07:45,039
Yeah,

1473
01:07:42,720 --> 01:07:46,720
this is real, people.

1474
01:07:45,039 --> 01:07:49,119
So, if you don't laugh, I got a backup

1475
01:07:46,720 --> 01:07:50,880
career.

1476
01:07:49,119 --> 01:07:53,119
I'll worry when they start tagging me

1477
01:07:50,880 --> 01:07:54,880
and stuff, you know, as Uncle Roger

1478
01:07:53,119 --> 01:07:57,760
teaches your stepmom how to make egg

1479
01:07:54,880 --> 01:08:01,480
fried rice

1480
01:07:57,760 --> 01:08:01,480
with extra sausage.

1481
01:08:01,760 --> 01:08:06,800
Or something like, "I'm stuck in the

1482
01:08:03,200 --> 01:08:08,160
rice cooker. Step bro, I'm stuck.

1483
01:08:06,800 --> 01:08:10,640
[Applause]

1484
01:08:08,160 --> 01:08:15,480
Help. Step bro,

1485
01:08:10,640 --> 01:08:15,480
the Zojiushi got me. that. Bro,

1486
01:08:18,319 --> 01:08:22,400
I'm just glad my passion for rice paid

1487
01:08:20,400 --> 01:08:24,480
off.

1488
01:08:22,400 --> 01:08:28,440
Remember the very first video that BBC

1489
01:08:24,480 --> 01:08:28,440
food egg fried rice?

1490
01:08:30,480 --> 01:08:35,120
How bad was that? Huh? Hersha Patel, you

1491
01:08:33,759 --> 01:08:37,120
know, the Indian lady in the video, we

1492
01:08:35,120 --> 01:08:38,640
had to we had to make a video together

1493
01:08:37,120 --> 01:08:41,040
because she was getting so much hate on

1494
01:08:38,640 --> 01:08:42,960
the internet. Yeah. Uh, so we had to I

1495
01:08:41,040 --> 01:08:44,480
had to help her out. And I get a lot of

1496
01:08:42,960 --> 01:08:47,440
hate on the internet too because I make

1497
01:08:44,480 --> 01:08:48,880
these like risky jokes, right? And when

1498
01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:50,640
people leave nasty comments at you

1499
01:08:48,880 --> 01:08:53,359
online, it's never a picture of

1500
01:08:50,640 --> 01:08:54,799
themselves as a profile photo. It's

1501
01:08:53,359 --> 01:08:56,640
always a picture of some anime

1502
01:08:54,799 --> 01:09:00,159
character.

1503
01:08:56,640 --> 01:09:03,040
So it's really weird when Naruto

1504
01:09:00,159 --> 01:09:05,279
is telling you to kill yourself

1505
01:09:03,040 --> 01:09:08,799
or like die man die. Hey, there's a

1506
01:09:05,279 --> 01:09:10,400
picture of Peppa Pig.

1507
01:09:08,799 --> 01:09:14,679
And I'm like, I know it's you, Jamie

1508
01:09:10,400 --> 01:09:14,679
Oliver. I know it's you.

1509
01:09:20,880 --> 01:09:26,640
We love our rice, right?

1510
01:09:24,400 --> 01:09:28,880
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

1511
01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:31,679
We love our rice. Rice is a big thing in

1512
01:09:28,880 --> 01:09:34,400
Asia. Go to any grocery store in Asia.

1513
01:09:31,679 --> 01:09:37,040
20 pounds. That's the smallest sack of

1514
01:09:34,400 --> 01:09:38,960
rice you can get in the shop in Asia,

1515
01:09:37,040 --> 01:09:41,600
right? And you go to your grocery stores

1516
01:09:38,960 --> 01:09:43,359
here, you have the most adorable little

1517
01:09:41,600 --> 01:09:48,319
packets

1518
01:09:43,359 --> 01:09:51,359
of 2 and 1/2 oz TSA approved rice.

1519
01:09:48,319 --> 01:09:53,120
Like, who's that for? A fly?

1520
01:09:51,359 --> 01:09:54,960
I sent a photo of that to my mom. She

1521
01:09:53,120 --> 01:09:57,960
was like, why are they selling the free

1522
01:09:54,960 --> 01:09:57,960
samples?

1523
01:09:58,159 --> 01:10:01,360
Why are they selling rice in cocaine

1524
01:09:59,679 --> 01:10:04,080
bags?

1525
01:10:01,360 --> 01:10:07,280
Is rice illegal in the US, son? Is this

1526
01:10:04,080 --> 01:10:10,320
rice for astronauts?

1527
01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:11,920
Every Asian household owns a rice

1528
01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:13,520
cooker,

1529
01:10:11,920 --> 01:10:15,040
right?

1530
01:10:13,520 --> 01:10:17,199
And you guys watch my videos now. I'm

1531
01:10:15,040 --> 01:10:19,520
sure all of you guys have that, too. But

1532
01:10:17,199 --> 01:10:21,520
again, I've lived here before in

1533
01:10:19,520 --> 01:10:23,040
university. I've seen my American

1534
01:10:21,520 --> 01:10:26,800
college housemates. I've seen how they

1535
01:10:23,040 --> 01:10:28,800
make rice. It's [ __ ] tragic.

1536
01:10:26,800 --> 01:10:31,440
has two main methods, right? Number one,

1537
01:10:28,800 --> 01:10:35,800
the saucepan. They boil the rice and

1538
01:10:31,440 --> 01:10:35,800
they stir it like a witch in the 1800s.

1539
01:10:36,239 --> 01:10:41,440
As World War II is over, use technology

1540
01:10:39,679 --> 01:10:45,320
and it's still wet afterwards. So, they

1541
01:10:41,440 --> 01:10:45,320
drain it with a colander.

1542
01:10:45,600 --> 01:10:49,760
I've seen a friend drain it with a

1543
01:10:47,040 --> 01:10:52,480
colander and it was still wet. He took a

1544
01:10:49,760 --> 01:10:56,440
paper towel

1545
01:10:52,480 --> 01:10:56,440
to dab the rice.

1546
01:10:57,760 --> 01:11:02,080
I was looking at it. I was like, "Let's

1547
01:11:00,400 --> 01:11:05,440
just get dominoes, man. Let's just get

1548
01:11:02,080 --> 01:11:09,920
Domino's, please.

1549
01:11:05,440 --> 01:11:11,760
I know a guy. He has this LED strips and

1550
01:11:09,920 --> 01:11:14,080
the light up keyboard out. He'll hook us

1551
01:11:11,760 --> 01:11:14,080
up."

1552
01:11:15,440 --> 01:11:18,400
But the second way of how you guys made

1553
01:11:16,880 --> 01:11:21,679
rice here, and the worst way of all, is

1554
01:11:18,400 --> 01:11:24,080
this Uncle Ben's instant

1555
01:11:21,679 --> 01:11:25,840
microwave rice.

1556
01:11:24,080 --> 01:11:28,800
Yeah. By the way, this is a brand that

1557
01:11:25,840 --> 01:11:31,520
has Indian rice, Mexican rice, Cantonese

1558
01:11:28,800 --> 01:11:33,679
fried rice. But Uncle Ben is an old

1559
01:11:31,520 --> 01:11:36,000
black guy.

1560
01:11:33,679 --> 01:11:40,840
Why are we still buying that product?

1561
01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:40,840
Would you buy Uncle Wong's burritos?

1562
01:11:42,320 --> 01:11:47,920
I wouldn't. And he's my real uncle.

1563
01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:50,640
I see people microwaving Uncle Ben.

1564
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:52,400
They're like beep bing. I walk past and

1565
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:56,199
I go

1566
01:11:52,400 --> 01:11:56,199
interesting choice.

1567
01:12:01,120 --> 01:12:06,120
Happy night. Thank you, Boston. Good

1568
01:12:03,120 --> 01:12:06,120
night.

1569
01:12:08,239 --> 01:12:11,640
Heat. Heat.

1570
01:12:16,220 --> 01:12:29,189
[Applause]

1571
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:32,600
talking money.

1572
01:12:37,680 --> 01:12:50,320
[Music]

1573
01:12:45,600 --> 01:12:53,360
Everybody rais I'ming out cuz I'm a

1574
01:12:50,320 --> 01:12:56,080
double. Yeah, that's me. Everybody

1575
01:12:53,360 --> 01:12:57,679
staring. I don't need to play with

1576
01:12:56,080 --> 01:13:00,480
a

1577
01:12:57,679 --> 01:13:03,880
you and I.

1578
01:13:00,480 --> 01:13:03,880
We just different

1579
01:13:07,520 --> 01:13:12,570
you and I

1580
01:13:10,400 --> 01:13:15,770
just differentig

1581
01:13:12,570 --> 01:13:15,770
[Music]

1582
01:13:17,790 --> 01:13:28,410
[Music]

1583
01:13:29,760 --> 01:13:31,920
and the